Checking a rishta properly is not an insult to the other family. Every sensible family does it, most expect it, and the ones who resist it most strongly are usually the ones who most needed checking. The difficulty is doing it thoroughly without turning a proposal into an investigation. This rishta verification checklist sets out what to verify, who to ask, and the questions that are awkward early but far worse to discover after the nikah.
Why verification matters more now
When rishtas came through relatives and neighbours, a great deal of checking happened without anyone calling it that — everybody already knew the family. Proposals now arrive through matrimonial sites, marriage bureaus, WhatsApp groups and friends of friends, and nobody in your circle may know the other family at all. That is not a reason to avoid online rishtas. It is a reason to do deliberately what used to happen by accident.
Identity and basic facts
Start with the facts that can be confirmed. Full name, age, city, and family background should match across the profile, the conversation, and what the family says in person. Ask to see a CNIC, NICOP or passport at a suitable stage — usually once both families are seriously interested — and check that name and age match what you were told. Differences of a year or two in age are common and worth a gentle question; larger differences are worth a pause.
Education and work
Degrees can be confirmed with the institution, and many Pakistani universities and the Higher Education Commission have verification processes. For work, ask what the job is in plain terms, where the office is, and how long they have been there. A respectful family will not mind a question like "which branch?" or "who is your manager?". For businesses, ask what the business does and where it operates, and if possible visit. For work abroad, ask to see an employment letter or payslip on a video call.
Marital history
Ask directly whether either person has been married, engaged or had a nikah before, and whether there are children. It is a hard question to ask, and a much harder thing to discover later. Previous marriage is not a reason to refuse anyone; hiding it is a serious warning sign. Where there was a divorce or khula, it is reasonable to ask whether it was finalised properly.
Health
Nobody enjoys this conversation, and both families usually want it. Agree early that medical history that affects married life or children will be shared honestly. Many families also agree on blood tests before the nikah — for example for thalassaemia carrier status, which is common in Pakistan and matters when both partners are carriers (see MedlinePlus on thalassaemia). Talk to a doctor about what makes sense for your families.
Family and home
Visit the home if you can. Use the questions to ask in a rishta meeting. Meet more than the parents — siblings, and if possible someone outside the immediate family. Notice how the family speak about each other and about the person you are considering. Ask how decisions are made at home, and whether the couple will live with the family.
Who to ask
- Neighbours and people in the same mohalla, discreetly.
- Colleagues or a senior at work, if there is a respectful route to them.
- The imam or community elders where the family is known.
- Mutual acquaintances — even distant ones are worth a call.
- For families abroad, someone in the same city who knows the community.
Ask open questions — "what are they like as a family?" — rather than leading ones. Take one opinion as one opinion. Look for the pattern.
The rishta verification checklist
- Name, age and city confirmed with an identity document
- Education confirmed with the institution or documents
- Work confirmed: employer, role, how long
- Marital history asked directly and answered clearly
- Health conversation held; tests agreed if appropriate
- Home visited and family met
- At least two independent people consulted
- Video call held with family present, for anyone abroad
- No request for money, gifts or loans at any stage
- Story consistent over several weeks
Red flags during verification
Refusing to share a document at a reasonable stage. Anger at ordinary questions. Details that change between conversations. Pressure to finish quickly "before the other family decides". Requests for money for any reason — a visa, a hospital bill, a business problem. Any of these is a reason to slow down; several together are a reason to stop. Our guide to matrimonial fraud explains the pattern.
How RishteDesk helps, and what it does not replace
Every profile on RishteDesk is reviewed by a person before it goes live. Members can add verification badges — a selfie matched to their photos, a CNIC or passport check, and a short video call with our team — and each badge says exactly what it proves. That makes the first steps safer. It does not replace your own family's checks, and nothing on any site should. Read more in our safety tips. Use the badges to decide who is worth talking to; use this checklist before you say yes.
Dieser leitfaden ist eine allgemeine information, um familien zu helfen, nicht rechtliche oder religiöse beratung. Bei Fragen zu Recht, Visa oder Ihrem Glauben sprechen Sie bitte mit einer qualifizierten Person.
